Iowa Betting on Field of Queens


By William Mullin
Copyright 2009

On Friday, the Iowa Supreme Court ruled that a ban on Gay Marriage in that state is unconstitutional. Citing hard economic times, the court said their ruling had less to do with morality than with cashing in on the tons of disposable income gays can bring to the state. Citing a recent study that show gays are immune to recession, Iowans consider Friday’s ruling more of a state stimulus package rather than a judgement on gay marriage itself.

“I’m excited for them to come to my farm” said Lenny Walls , a lifelong hog farmer outside of Davenport. “I heard some of them want to start a petting zoo.”

Des Moines hairdresser Deitre Furning said she had to close her hair and nail salon last month due to the economy, but now considers reopening. “The gays love manicures and pedicures. I hear they get them three times a day! Three times a day! And our mullets are a perfect fit for the women!

On Monday the Governor is expected to sign the Nice Package! Bill which gives tax breaks for any small-business owner opening a luxury goods or fabulous store. Written by the hosts of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, the legislation lists hundreds of store themes and products that Iowan business owners can market to qualify for tax refunds. Some of the products listed include seaweed crème fraîche face lotion, Lychee Martinis and poppers. It also directs some of the State’s corn ethanol industry be re-tooled for lubricant production.

“We need to get serious with these gays, said the Governor Chet Culver. They demand things that Iowans haven’t even heard of like…biscotti. This is like preparing for the Olympics.”

Some residents are skeptical of the plan. “Well, I’ll tell you one thing – if they don’t really help our economy, people are gonna turn on them. This is a temporary solution, if you ask me”, says Rich Hasburn of Des Moines, who’s adding a leather fetish shop to his family’s livestock farm. “But there’s plenty of empty back rooms around here.”

Many in the Chicago gay community said they would consider visiting the state despite thinking Iowa was a remote part of Texas.

Kyle Ginger who lives in the Boystown area of Chicago remarked “Girl, if they build these things, we’ll come! But sometimes honey, it takes alot for us to come!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: